Something is wrong, very wrong . Even after everything is going my way . I am not feeling the bliss . I laugh lke a maniac sometimes but that doesnt mean I am happy . Maybe the face reader ankita said the right words for me that I can never be happy until and unless I forgive myself and be satisfied with what I have got . The dream of living with friends in a different city and letting myself out of control is going on. I am living it for past 10 days and now I am over with it .Now I want a different dream to live for , to vouch for and to live for . Maybe I am still not over my nightmarish blunder of sleeping and not writing a word in my IIT maths exam for which i got a big 0. At that time I thought or maybe I wont be able to recall what I thought. So now when I express myself it will be a twirl of thoughts , but before I bring back those memories , you should know more about me .
1 : I like to self destruct . I will never save a program that I made and in the end I will spend more time in recalling it rather than starting from scratch .
2: I don't smoke becaus I am addicted to it .I smok because I hav nothing else to do it at that time or because I want to destroy myself.
3: I feel I am not addicted to anything . but I think cigarettes have become my lifelong companion i dont want to part with. May be for a good cause I will quit it but till then lets burn the cigrettes and lungs alike .
4: One more BIG fact , I will prepare and practice harder than anyone else befor the exam . But on the D-day what I will do in exam is self explanatory if you read th point 1 again.
May be all this is related to " groucho marx syndrome" in which the perso feels so bad about himself that when good things start happening to him , he feels afraid abd doubtful of all the happenings going around him . He doesnt know what to do and ends up taking the wrong decision and making a mistake again . Now this decision also haunts him and it goes in a infinite loop for him.
" Now this person has to create blog to vent out his frustration but what the fuck!!!!
Nobody comments (acknowledgement of reading) . so it seems like another failure to him . :D
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
let me
Just like always , i found a song to describe my present feeling. So people let me express myself through the song lyrics.
you ever felt??
Sometimes I feel like the world is looking over my shoulder
I don't know why but I feel my patience getting shorter
I don't want to know
I don't want to feel
I don't want to be
I don't want to sound crazy
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
Away
The tension builds but I feel the walls are getting thicker
And then I still make believe that I am feeling better
I don't want to know
I don't want to feel
I don't want to be
I don't want to sound crazy
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
Away
you ever felt??
Sometimes I feel like the world is looking over my shoulder
I don't know why but I feel my patience getting shorter
I don't want to know
I don't want to feel
I don't want to be
I don't want to sound crazy
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
Away
The tension builds but I feel the walls are getting thicker
And then I still make believe that I am feeling better
I don't want to know
I don't want to feel
I don't want to be
I don't want to sound crazy
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
I don't want to sound insane
But I can't take the pressure
Have you ever felt the same?
Like you just need to run away
Away
Saturday, August 30, 2008
ME
People ask me why I treat myself so badly. Why I consider myself as a loser. The reason lies in the fact that I want more than I deserve. I want to be worthy of everything. everything that I can dream of. But still I never take initiative to get it.
Once while giving my IIT Maths subjective paper, I asked myself not to do it. Don't know why I , myself militated against himself. but I did it . Yes , and I scored 0(zero) in that exam. I was happy to do it at that point, don't know why?? And today when I look back I am still happy , but disappointed with myself. thats why I am always sad. I think I ruined my career with that indecision but I
I never told this to anyone , not a single person knew about it till now.
Someone commented that I am never satisfied and can never be happy till I learn how to be happy with what I have got. well in that case . Let it be. I don't want to live if I cant go back in time to change that mistake.
I am running away from myself . I want to live in a different city altogether, in a different world .
No amount of smoking, drinking, drugs has helped me yet. so no point in depending on them to help me out. Even after taking drugs ,I am in my control, cant lose myself, cant throw the guilt out of my mind. So wont take it again.
Once while giving my IIT Maths subjective paper, I asked myself not to do it. Don't know why I , myself militated against himself. but I did it . Yes , and I scored 0(zero) in that exam. I was happy to do it at that point, don't know why?? And today when I look back I am still happy , but disappointed with myself. thats why I am always sad. I think I ruined my career with that indecision but I
I never told this to anyone , not a single person knew about it till now.
Someone commented that I am never satisfied and can never be happy till I learn how to be happy with what I have got. well in that case . Let it be. I don't want to live if I cant go back in time to change that mistake.
I am running away from myself . I want to live in a different city altogether, in a different world .
No amount of smoking, drinking, drugs has helped me yet. so no point in depending on them to help me out. Even after taking drugs ,I am in my control, cant lose myself, cant throw the guilt out of my mind. So wont take it again.
Friday, August 22, 2008
August
Its 23 days in to the month of August which started with me full of energy and tons of enthusiasm, and now I am tired and fed up of this industry . Bored of the same people and the race to pussy approach among the call center employees. I was taught to respect everyone and not see the opposite gender as a thing for entertainment . But the people here are making me feel idiot when it comes to one night stands or flings. I don't know who is right or who is wrong but one thing that I know is, its whole of class(world) against me. Why do they have problem when I talk to girls but don't take initiative to take them out for the sex thing. May be , I am not that type or may be I don't have enough confidence or resources to take them on a date, but still , they make me feel as if I am wasting the girls by keeping them away from other guys. Their talk comprises of google earth maps and boasting of the houses and parking lots where they lost their virginity. and I am stunned , honestly, to hear those self-appreciating so called affairs.
Recently , since the talk about the late night party has come up, everybody's planning to hook up a girl or two or how to get the girls get drunk and they all are doing this behind my back because they know those girls are my friends and in my presence , they wont be able to do that. So they all are avoiding me for their filthy talk and again I feel like a lonely person . I say I am a man but still fear to choose a stand on this situation.
I knew I wont be able to survive in this BPO industry but still I am here because of some stupid mistakes I made when I decided to choose referring to my own nutty brains. It's not my choice , its my destiny.
Some lines on which I describe myself:-
I am just a Kid and life is a Nightmare............????????
It may all be real or may be I just think too much.......????????
I want to be a bad man , to do everything but still there is someone in me who stops me from doing some things.......????????
Recently , since the talk about the late night party has come up, everybody's planning to hook up a girl or two or how to get the girls get drunk and they all are doing this behind my back because they know those girls are my friends and in my presence , they wont be able to do that. So they all are avoiding me for their filthy talk and again I feel like a lonely person . I say I am a man but still fear to choose a stand on this situation.
I knew I wont be able to survive in this BPO industry but still I am here because of some stupid mistakes I made when I decided to choose referring to my own nutty brains. It's not my choice , its my destiny.
Some lines on which I describe myself:-
I am just a Kid and life is a Nightmare............????????
It may all be real or may be I just think too much.......????????
I want to be a bad man , to do everything but still there is someone in me who stops me from doing some things.......????????
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Feeling fine, Sublime !!!!
What more could I have asked for ? Everything is under control here in convergys . Just the kind of people I would make friends with. Exactly the kind of work environment I always desired. And to top of it, I found myself in center of attention for making goof-ups even on the first day. Though I didn't mind it , I am just concerned about the girl whose name I forgot during the introduction session. I called her with some other girl's name (both being my friends here) and it was awkward to say the least. Sorry lady , it was my mistake , I admit . Honestly, how could I make such a silly childish mix up when I boast of a sharp memory . But everything was forgotten and was taken in good spirit. Thank god, the girl is an understanding person , someone else would have slapped me. I haven't presented the exact scenario , but people who really know me can understand what kind of embarrassing situations I sometimes find my self in. Today was just of those days when my every move was monitored and commented upon by someone or the other . And I really ENJOYED it. The company is good ,very good in fact and I am really interested to work seriously here .
All the mood changed when I met a guy who is a amateur palmist, a good one though. I met him when I went to a consultancy near district center . So for the sake of killing time , I started talking to another friend(from last BPO i worked in) who coincidently walked-in to that firm on the same day . We talked loud and harsh , made fun, passed comments to anyone in earshot , just the kind of behavior you would expect from people who were black listed in a BPO for not talking in assessments and for verbal fights (nasty ones) outside . So at the end of day when we did everything to get everyone's attention (successfully) , we sat to take some rest. Just few people were left waiting for results when we charged ourselves up with some naps (HCL habitual) . One of them was Gaurav, an impressive talker to say the least. Some casual talk about this and that , and then don't know how the subject was palmistry. He read the lines for my hand, then forehead and said something about my personality which was quite close to the truth. I said: ' how to make my energies positive when I am feeling low these days over lost chances ' ?? And he gave me an idea and truly, ' a good idea can change your life'. Now that it has, I believe in GOD. Thats what he asked me to do, and since then I haven't felt an ounce of so called negative energy. Touch wood !
I just hope that in this favorable environment , I don't turn complacent . Otherwise it would be bad, very bad.
All the mood changed when I met a guy who is a amateur palmist, a good one though. I met him when I went to a consultancy near district center . So for the sake of killing time , I started talking to another friend(from last BPO i worked in) who coincidently walked-in to that firm on the same day . We talked loud and harsh , made fun, passed comments to anyone in earshot , just the kind of behavior you would expect from people who were black listed in a BPO for not talking in assessments and for verbal fights (nasty ones) outside . So at the end of day when we did everything to get everyone's attention (successfully) , we sat to take some rest. Just few people were left waiting for results when we charged ourselves up with some naps (HCL habitual) . One of them was Gaurav, an impressive talker to say the least. Some casual talk about this and that , and then don't know how the subject was palmistry. He read the lines for my hand, then forehead and said something about my personality which was quite close to the truth. I said: ' how to make my energies positive when I am feeling low these days over lost chances ' ?? And he gave me an idea and truly, ' a good idea can change your life'. Now that it has, I believe in GOD. Thats what he asked me to do, and since then I haven't felt an ounce of so called negative energy. Touch wood !
I just hope that in this favorable environment , I don't turn complacent . Otherwise it would be bad, very bad.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What's Wrong??
Some thing's wrong, terribly wrong. Laziness and misfortune are going hand in hand in my case.
first I don't work and when I want to work , then there is no work because of my sheer misfortune , someone else got that chance that would have been mine. I don't Know Why? or may be I know but just too chicken to admit it. The only hope left for me is the tcs thing. I hope they do call , and send me to some place which is far away from Delhi , so that I can make excuses not to come to delhi.
I promise I will work there , as much as they can give me. But first thing first , let them call.
I always wanted to live alone , but financial crunches always kept me away from the boarding schools . The school was in stone's throw range and the college was as far as the closest market. so no fun there too. These past days , I have been meeting amateur palmists, face readers etc. And some of them are really good. One of them said this to me :
" You can never be happy because you are never satisfied with what you have got " .
True , absolutely, I knew that but couldn't ever frame them in words. But even after knowing the cause ,still can I change my natural trait??
The only solution in my case is that I must live alone, working hard somewhere far away from Delhi , away from all friends , family and everyone I know . That would be my ultimate wish these days to live with strangers and not with my acquaintances .
May be I am running away from something but sometimes running away is all you can do...
first I don't work and when I want to work , then there is no work because of my sheer misfortune , someone else got that chance that would have been mine. I don't Know Why? or may be I know but just too chicken to admit it. The only hope left for me is the tcs thing. I hope they do call , and send me to some place which is far away from Delhi , so that I can make excuses not to come to delhi.
I promise I will work there , as much as they can give me. But first thing first , let them call.
I always wanted to live alone , but financial crunches always kept me away from the boarding schools . The school was in stone's throw range and the college was as far as the closest market. so no fun there too. These past days , I have been meeting amateur palmists, face readers etc. And some of them are really good. One of them said this to me :
" You can never be happy because you are never satisfied with what you have got " .
True , absolutely, I knew that but couldn't ever frame them in words. But even after knowing the cause ,still can I change my natural trait??
The only solution in my case is that I must live alone, working hard somewhere far away from Delhi , away from all friends , family and everyone I know . That would be my ultimate wish these days to live with strangers and not with my acquaintances .
May be I am running away from something but sometimes running away is all you can do...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I and me
I don't know why but I quit my job in HCL BPO on Tuesday and so I am once again jobless. No worries , I still have the WIPRO option . And that starts with next week . I don't want to go to any more BPO . So lets see if I can find a way out of this mess I have created . During all this time , I have noticed two things :_
1 : No matter how many friends you have, they won't call you when you need them .
2: If you don't have any big career plans (GRE,CAT etc)you are busy with, those so called friends consider you inferior and won't talk to you.
So guys if you can understand what I am saying. Just mug up one thing . Every time you complete one mission towards your career goal, start looking for another . Don't sit idle and the most important thing never trust your friends more than yourself . Never tell them your real plans because at least they won't tell you . so just shove the middle finger in their faces and move ahead. Its a long way to go and YOU ARE ALONE .
1 : No matter how many friends you have, they won't call you when you need them .
2: If you don't have any big career plans (GRE,CAT etc)you are busy with, those so called friends consider you inferior and won't talk to you.
So guys if you can understand what I am saying. Just mug up one thing . Every time you complete one mission towards your career goal, start looking for another . Don't sit idle and the most important thing never trust your friends more than yourself . Never tell them your real plans because at least they won't tell you . so just shove the middle finger in their faces and move ahead. Its a long way to go and YOU ARE ALONE .
Monday, July 7, 2008
Desire ???????
Some people live to serve as an example to others . Count me one of them . so PLEASE
That is the ultimate question : -
What do I want??
I am earning money without breaking a sweat. Literally,I have absolutely nothing to do . I just have to be there physically so that they can count the heads. And people say this is life, they crave for this kind of life and I am getting sick of this. I can't clear the assessments(even in 3rd attempt) and I know I won't be able to do it in hundred more attempts . Not that I lack in knowledge, its just that I am not the type of person for a call center . They want me to talk on abstract topics. fuck you ,I wont talk , I don't want to talk. I went there so that I can get lost in weird crowd but no ,bloody hell I just won't get what I dream of getting. I just won't. There are some things that I want which may be harmful to me in long run . And god gives me something that may be good for me but I just can't accept it. I won't accept it no matter what. Thats me, a stubborn person who wants his desired thing his way every time and at the time decided by him.
What a fool I am? Why can't I be happy with what I have got? Why??????
a person in cab today said : A man does any task because of three reasons
1: Passion (I lost it long way back)
2: compulsion (No one can force me , so I take blame for everything)
3: no other option
Now that suits me,the third option. May be thats the reason I cant be happy. At the current state of mind ,I would like to quote a line from bon jovi : " No one can save me , the damage is done" . I am going over to the negative side unless and until I hit the rock bottom.
People in call center are so positive , so goddamn positive that I feel like a suicidal person . They are so fucking full of life that I am envious of their attitude , their zeal for life. I don't know whether I was ever like them but surely I would like to be like them. Thats the one desire that makes me sit up at 4 in morning to wait for cab.
Only one pray to GOD this time.
O God , as you know I have been selected in TCS . Please send me somewhere where no one knows me , where I don't know anyone and where I can start my life all over again.
May be that will ruin me thoroughly but then when did I back out. Just bring it on. amen
That is the ultimate question : -
What do I want??
I am earning money without breaking a sweat. Literally,I have absolutely nothing to do . I just have to be there physically so that they can count the heads. And people say this is life, they crave for this kind of life and I am getting sick of this. I can't clear the assessments(even in 3rd attempt) and I know I won't be able to do it in hundred more attempts . Not that I lack in knowledge, its just that I am not the type of person for a call center . They want me to talk on abstract topics. fuck you ,I wont talk , I don't want to talk. I went there so that I can get lost in weird crowd but no ,bloody hell I just won't get what I dream of getting. I just won't. There are some things that I want which may be harmful to me in long run . And god gives me something that may be good for me but I just can't accept it. I won't accept it no matter what. Thats me, a stubborn person who wants his desired thing his way every time and at the time decided by him.
What a fool I am? Why can't I be happy with what I have got? Why??????
a person in cab today said : A man does any task because of three reasons
1: Passion (I lost it long way back)
2: compulsion (No one can force me , so I take blame for everything)
3: no other option
Now that suits me,the third option. May be thats the reason I cant be happy. At the current state of mind ,I would like to quote a line from bon jovi : " No one can save me , the damage is done" . I am going over to the negative side unless and until I hit the rock bottom.
People in call center are so positive , so goddamn positive that I feel like a suicidal person . They are so fucking full of life that I am envious of their attitude , their zeal for life. I don't know whether I was ever like them but surely I would like to be like them. Thats the one desire that makes me sit up at 4 in morning to wait for cab.
Only one pray to GOD this time.
O God , as you know I have been selected in TCS . Please send me somewhere where no one knows me , where I don't know anyone and where I can start my life all over again.
May be that will ruin me thoroughly but then when did I back out. Just bring it on. amen
Thursday, July 3, 2008
the serenity prayer
confession of a lost mind
Someone said last day that I am not satisfied with what I have got . True , I agree it is the real hard sour truth and may be it is one of the reason I don't enjoy the current proceedings. Even minor bumps can throw me out of way to happiness.
I don't like things that I get but always yearn for things my friends own . and so I hate them for their ownership over my favorite (desired) things.
I don't know but I always feel that I have very few years left to live. I don't know Why? There is nothing wrong physically but I guess psychologically I am going towards my end. Thats the reason I want everything before time and in excess . I believe that life ends at 30 , after all till 30 is the time you live for yourself ,otherwise its family and the worldly bull shit. The thing with me is that I don't want the worldly comfort but I want something that I don't deserve . So Oh dear God, give me what I want and take anything in return (my life I can offer) whenever you want .
The serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Monday, June 30, 2008
a friend
Finally , there is a friend who understood my dilemma and suggested exactly what i wanted to hear. Kudos to you . you are a friend indeed. For people who don't know what I am talking about , there are some excerpts. Make your own goddamn story.
The year started with me getting hit by a thunderbolt once again . No shit , I know that was it and if you were there , you would have said the same thing. I know how I spent the first three months trying to figure out what to do (me still confused , actually) , and after that I got used to it.
There is nothing major lead yet and I still get 'reminiscence attack' once in a while.
Nobody, absolutely nobody understood exactly what the problem is, and gave vague solutions to my supposed problem . But today after meeting my alter ego ( my friend) , I guess he is the only one to have given it a serious thought and he is the only one daring enough to call things on my face. Even my parents couldn't give me a sure shot answer but I guess now since the path is in sight . I just have to pave it accordingly and walk up on it till the end. And this time I won't stop till its over.
A song i would like to dedicate myself..
The year started with me getting hit by a thunderbolt once again . No shit , I know that was it and if you were there , you would have said the same thing. I know how I spent the first three months trying to figure out what to do (me still confused , actually) , and after that I got used to it.
There is nothing major lead yet and I still get 'reminiscence attack' once in a while.
Nobody, absolutely nobody understood exactly what the problem is, and gave vague solutions to my supposed problem . But today after meeting my alter ego ( my friend) , I guess he is the only one to have given it a serious thought and he is the only one daring enough to call things on my face. Even my parents couldn't give me a sure shot answer but I guess now since the path is in sight . I just have to pave it accordingly and walk up on it till the end. And this time I won't stop till its over.
A song i would like to dedicate myself..
The Rasmus - In the shadows
No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
In the shadows
In the shadows
They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows
In the shadows
In the shadows
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
In the shadows
In the shadows
They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows
In the shadows
In the shadows
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
But I don't want to wait for anyone or anything. Let it come to myself.
Let me be myself from this moment. Amen
Let me be myself from this moment. Amen
Monday, June 23, 2008
Current Status
After forgettable four years in a fucked up college of Engineering , I landed in a BPO for some recreation and keeping my mind away from suicidal thoughts .
I thought some hard work and tight schedule will help me dissolve the feeling that Engineering was a hollow study(degree) and no substance in it at all. But again, the scenario is just like our college , bloody sarkaari BPO , with a slight difference. Just waste your time and get money in lieu of that.
may be the problem lies in fact that I want to learn and don't want to do masti like some fukre people. I take things too seriously. ( i would like some comment on this).
so talking about BPO , all I have done is to research on marijuana ( for some passage) and drank beer and smoked cigars (saste waale) with fellow cabbies , learned some grammar,punctuation,vowels and consonants , like shit it will change my understanding for/of the language.
My daily Schedule( in american accent it is "s-ki-dule".)
I wake up around 5 a.m . to find myself waiting for my cab. To hell with it, since when and what for i decided to join this call centre, i don't know. The time for commuting is 5 hours daily to far end of noida (sec 59) . Due to some past events in BPO ,like driver fucking a drunken female (obviously) employee etc, its a policy to send different drivers and cab mates with/on different routes . So everyday I look for familiar faces in cab to talk to , which I seldom succeed in. But no matter what company policies are , men bond over talk of porn, beer , girls(read sluts)and as the natural instinct of Indian male becomes dominant ,nearly everyday ends up with beer and cigarettes and more bullshit talk about jugaad and all. As far as the time in office is concerned , its no better than that in college (and honestly,i don't like it ) but when you are getting paid for getting bored , it is justified.
Now that is a daily routine.
I know I told people that i quit smoking, drinking and eating non veg but then I can't restrain myself further, one of the many steps I am taking /going to take to become more carefree.
girls (interesting topic)
My problem is that I have (and i still do) always respected the girls , never flirted(indecently) with any girl, may be that is the reason that even after being in BPO for 10 days, i couldn't find a girl. (you know what for) . So I am trying , not to take them seriously and speak more in front of them. The way guys of my cab talk to their beautiful batch mates(they call them sluts in their face and girls respond with a seductive smile) , it makes me wonder whether there is any "good girl" left or not . but then as a new friend prateek said to me: If they were good girls, they would not have come to a call center. To end all this seemingly boring and trite topic , let me summarize it with a fine line of mine.
There is a bad girl in every good girl , they just come out in call center. Send them there to check their dignity.
I thought some hard work and tight schedule will help me dissolve the feeling that Engineering was a hollow study(degree) and no substance in it at all. But again, the scenario is just like our college , bloody sarkaari BPO , with a slight difference. Just waste your time and get money in lieu of that.
may be the problem lies in fact that I want to learn and don't want to do masti like some fukre people. I take things too seriously. ( i would like some comment on this).
so talking about BPO , all I have done is to research on marijuana ( for some passage) and drank beer and smoked cigars (saste waale) with fellow cabbies , learned some grammar,punctuation,vowels and consonants , like shit it will change my understanding for/of the language.
My daily Schedule( in american accent it is "s-ki-dule".)
I wake up around 5 a.m . to find myself waiting for my cab. To hell with it, since when and what for i decided to join this call centre, i don't know. The time for commuting is 5 hours daily to far end of noida (sec 59) . Due to some past events in BPO ,like driver fucking a drunken female (obviously) employee etc, its a policy to send different drivers and cab mates with/on different routes . So everyday I look for familiar faces in cab to talk to , which I seldom succeed in. But no matter what company policies are , men bond over talk of porn, beer , girls(read sluts)and as the natural instinct of Indian male becomes dominant ,nearly everyday ends up with beer and cigarettes and more bullshit talk about jugaad and all. As far as the time in office is concerned , its no better than that in college (and honestly,i don't like it ) but when you are getting paid for getting bored , it is justified.
Now that is a daily routine.
I know I told people that i quit smoking, drinking and eating non veg but then I can't restrain myself further, one of the many steps I am taking /going to take to become more carefree.
girls (interesting topic)
My problem is that I have (and i still do) always respected the girls , never flirted(indecently) with any girl, may be that is the reason that even after being in BPO for 10 days, i couldn't find a girl. (you know what for) . So I am trying , not to take them seriously and speak more in front of them. The way guys of my cab talk to their beautiful batch mates(they call them sluts in their face and girls respond with a seductive smile) , it makes me wonder whether there is any "good girl" left or not . but then as a new friend prateek said to me: If they were good girls, they would not have come to a call center. To end all this seemingly boring and trite topic , let me summarize it with a fine line of mine.
There is a bad girl in every good girl , they just come out in call center. Send them there to check their dignity.
Silver lining
It is a new start and i would appreciate all you people's ideas and support....
FUCK The earlier posts . They are full of shit from a man depressed because he cant find a place to fit in. Everything is either too messy or too simple. to make a long story short , i would just say DON'T READ BELOW THIS.
FUCK The earlier posts . They are full of shit from a man depressed because he cant find a place to fit in. Everything is either too messy or too simple. to make a long story short , i would just say DON'T READ BELOW THIS.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
cry me a river
If you want something to happen ,Make it happen . Use all your nerves to get it. Don't wait for it to happen naturally because it wont happen that way. Dint get complacent , Don't be proud ,happy of what you will get till you get it. This is something from my own experience . Time literally flows when you laze around . Always be on your toes to grab what you want . Just be an opportunist. I made this mistake of taking things lightly and messing with my priorities that landed my career and my life in a shit pot.
I had the potential and the style and the attitude,aptitude etc everything in my favour but i just got carried away . I thought myself of a gr8 person in making but I got forgot there is someone called GOD up there somewhere who is the master(driver) of life . He doesn't let you have anything unless he makes sure you deserve it . I thought myself to be an optimistic person but i gradually,unintentionally crossed the line that separates optimism and delusions .
"Delusion " : They give you the best feelings of life , your deepest desires and keeps you away from the actual misery of life but remember they are just delusions and not a part of reality .
This was the truth I was running from, refusing to accept but finally at this point of my career , i accept it , I accept my defeat , something i never did till now .
If you pity me , DON'T!!!!!!!!
These things are not something that happened with me .
Y life is not that bad if you consider where I started from and where i am now. And the way i see it ,it can only be better.
I am not expressing . I am exaggerating and writing my thoughts.
I had the potential and the style and the attitude,aptitude etc everything in my favour but i just got carried away . I thought myself of a gr8 person in making but I got forgot there is someone called GOD up there somewhere who is the master(driver) of life . He doesn't let you have anything unless he makes sure you deserve it . I thought myself to be an optimistic person but i gradually,unintentionally crossed the line that separates optimism and delusions .
"Delusion " : They give you the best feelings of life , your deepest desires and keeps you away from the actual misery of life but remember they are just delusions and not a part of reality .
This was the truth I was running from, refusing to accept but finally at this point of my career , i accept it , I accept my defeat , something i never did till now .
If you pity me , DON'T!!!!!!!!
These things are not something that happened with me .
Y life is not that bad if you consider where I started from and where i am now. And the way i see it ,it can only be better.
I am not expressing . I am exaggerating and writing my thoughts.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
The Turning point
The turning point came in 2001 when a guy with a naive, aimless life was brought in a bigger, badder, meaner world .
when we shifted our home from rani bagh to pitampura in '89 , i express my wish to go to D.L.D.A.V model school to my mom . it was a fabulous building for me considering my old school.
My mom told me she will get me enrolled in there at right time. she did it in '01 when i was about to leave my first (better) school. right timing,right acts, right ambiance, right new friends everything going perfect for a newcomer in a big school. I got a little too happy for myself . New group was a hip group, i enjoyed their company for a long time but gradually as career took the the front seat , i just lost myself, my friends and my time . I cant say goodbye ,that's a problem with me. so i try to be a stone hearted person to people i like . This is the thing i still haven't change about myself , maybe because i cant do it. all this is because of my insecurities of losing and this happens because i never owned ,possessed anything .
I am not trying to victimize myself......
its just the way it i am......
that's 2 academic yrs of high school.
I don't remember more and please don't remind me of those days..........
when we shifted our home from rani bagh to pitampura in '89 , i express my wish to go to D.L.D.A.V model school to my mom . it was a fabulous building for me considering my old school.
My mom told me she will get me enrolled in there at right time. she did it in '01 when i was about to leave my first (better) school. right timing,right acts, right ambiance, right new friends everything going perfect for a newcomer in a big school. I got a little too happy for myself . New group was a hip group, i enjoyed their company for a long time but gradually as career took the the front seat , i just lost myself, my friends and my time . I cant say goodbye ,that's a problem with me. so i try to be a stone hearted person to people i like . This is the thing i still haven't change about myself , maybe because i cant do it. all this is because of my insecurities of losing and this happens because i never owned ,possessed anything .
I am not trying to victimize myself......
its just the way it i am......
that's 2 academic yrs of high school.
I don't remember more and please don't remind me of those days..........
My first school
Now that was the time when i really enjoyed, had real friends , no tension whatsoever.
May be bcoz it was a small school . did you noticed 'was' . maybe you got it right, it has been closed.
i get carried away with my thoughts ,so if you find the stories a little wayward, please bear with me .
i have just started...
school life till 10th (AISSE)
D.A.V centenary public school, rani bagh . thats the name which doesnt exist today.
Now that was the time when i really enjoyed, had real friends , no tension whatsoever.
May be bcoz it was a small school . did you noticed 'was' . you got it right, it has been closed.
I made some real friends , friends who were there from preschool ,till now . some remember me coz of my curly hairstyle .
(my brother aslo has similar hairstyle. we got it from our mom (Dad is bald) so its not any style, its just hereditary)
when i met them on 6th feb , we had a blast . 7 yrs of separation and no contact.
Anyone who sa girls talk more than guys was proven wrong.
They remember things that were even faded in my memory. How I used to brag about
not having any cable connection, but still gets to watch evry channel coz our TV catches the signal from a nearby connection joint. I coulndt believe when he reminded me of this thing, how he got jealous of this thing(1997) . man , what fealing pours in when a long lost friend tells you how he remembers every act, smile, sorrow,fight,punishment,copying and everything you did but dont realised it then of yours ....
that was amazing,absolutely . what a day that was . no more talk on that , let it remain my personal,private evening .
May be bcoz it was a small school . did you noticed 'was' . maybe you got it right, it has been closed.
i get carried away with my thoughts ,so if you find the stories a little wayward, please bear with me .
i have just started...
school life till 10th (AISSE)
D.A.V centenary public school, rani bagh . thats the name which doesnt exist today.
Now that was the time when i really enjoyed, had real friends , no tension whatsoever.
May be bcoz it was a small school . did you noticed 'was' . you got it right, it has been closed.
I made some real friends , friends who were there from preschool ,till now . some remember me coz of my curly hairstyle .
(my brother aslo has similar hairstyle. we got it from our mom (Dad is bald) so its not any style, its just hereditary)
when i met them on 6th feb , we had a blast . 7 yrs of separation and no contact.
Anyone who sa girls talk more than guys was proven wrong.
They remember things that were even faded in my memory. How I used to brag about
not having any cable connection, but still gets to watch evry channel coz our TV catches the signal from a nearby connection joint. I coulndt believe when he reminded me of this thing, how he got jealous of this thing(1997) . man , what fealing pours in when a long lost friend tells you how he remembers every act, smile, sorrow,fight,punishment,copying and everything you did but dont realised it then of yours ....
that was amazing,absolutely . what a day that was . no more talk on that , let it remain my personal,private evening .
CONFESSION ROOM
its time to disclose the true me..........
but if you interrogate me on this i will simply deny it.....
1 : Studies
a: If my father were a businessman i wouldnt have even done my graduation...
i dont want to study but i had to study to get what i want . I never got it but then i am
highly optimistic and still waiting for it.
2 : Girls
a : I dont like some girls , others dont like me. (pretty simple , aint it)
b: I usually (schooltime) selects the smartest girl in our class to flirt with , but then they
are just too smart for me..
3: Career
a : I could have cleared IIT but turnes cuckoo at last moment. i got nervous in maths paper
and got not even 1 mark in it..
physics(27/50) ,chemistry (21/50) ,maths -00
4: Attention
a: I am an attention seeker . you wont believe it but trust me i am what i say i am...
may be i am writing the blog also to get some attention.
5: Beware
a: i dont forgive and i never forget..
i dont even forgave myself for doing the above stated things....................
but if you interrogate me on this i will simply deny it.....
1 : Studies
a: If my father were a businessman i wouldnt have even done my graduation...
i dont want to study but i had to study to get what i want . I never got it but then i am
highly optimistic and still waiting for it.
2 : Girls
a : I dont like some girls , others dont like me. (pretty simple , aint it)
b: I usually (schooltime) selects the smartest girl in our class to flirt with , but then they
are just too smart for me..
3: Career
a : I could have cleared IIT but turnes cuckoo at last moment. i got nervous in maths paper
and got not even 1 mark in it..
physics(27/50) ,chemistry (21/50) ,maths -00
4: Attention
a: I am an attention seeker . you wont believe it but trust me i am what i say i am...
may be i am writing the blog also to get some attention.
5: Beware
a: i dont forgive and i never forget..
i dont even forgave myself for doing the above stated things....................
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