ME

People ask me why I treat myself so badly. Why I consider myself as a loser. The reason lies in the fact that I want more than I deserve. I want to be worthy of everything. everything that I can dream of. But still I never take initiative to get it.
Once while giving my IIT Maths subjective paper, I asked myself not to do it. Don't know why I , myself militated against himself. but I did it . Yes , and I scored 0(zero) in that exam. I was happy to do it at that point, don't know why?? And today when I look back I am still happy , but disappointed with myself. thats why I am always sad. I think I ruined my career with that indecision but I

I never told this to anyone , not a single person knew about it till now.

Someone commented that I am never satisfied and can never be happy till I learn how to be happy with what I have got. well in that case . Let it be. I don't want to live if I cant go back in time to change that mistake.
I am running away from myself . I want to live in a different city altogether, in a different world .
No amount of smoking, drinking, drugs has helped me yet. so no point in depending on them to help me out. Even after taking drugs ,I am in my control, cant lose myself, cant throw the guilt out of my mind. So wont take it again.