Desire ???????

Some people live to serve as an example to others . Count me one of them . so PLEASE



That is the ultimate question : -
What do I want??

I am earning money without breaking a sweat. Literally,I have absolutely nothing to do . I just have to be there physically so that they can count the heads. And people say this is life, they crave for this kind of life and I am getting sick of this. I can't clear the assessments(even in 3rd attempt) and I know I won't be able to do it in hundred more attempts . Not that I lack in knowledge, its just that I am not the type of person for a call center . They want me to talk on abstract topics. fuck you ,I wont talk , I don't want to talk. I went there so that I can get lost in weird crowd but no ,bloody hell I just won't get what I dream of getting. I just won't. There are some things that I want which may be harmful to me in long run . And god gives me something that may be good for me but I just can't accept it. I won't accept it no matter what. Thats me, a stubborn person who wants his desired thing his way every time and at the time decided by him.
What a fool I am? Why can't I be happy with what I have got? Why??????

a person in cab today said : A man does any task because of three reasons
1: Passion (I lost it long way back)
2: compulsion (No one can force me , so I take blame for everything)
3: no other option

Now that suits me,the third option. May be thats the reason I cant be happy. At the current state of mind ,I would like to quote a line from bon jovi : " No one can save me , the damage is done" . I am going over to the negative side unless and until I hit the rock bottom.

People in call center are so positive , so goddamn positive that I feel like a suicidal person . They are so fucking full of life that I am envious of their attitude , their zeal for life. I don't know whether I was ever like them but surely I would like to be like them. Thats the one desire that makes me sit up at 4 in morning to wait for cab.

Only one pray to GOD this time.
O God , as you know I have been selected in TCS . Please send me somewhere where no one knows me , where I don't know anyone and where I can start my life all over again.
May be that will ruin me thoroughly but then when did I back out. Just bring it on. amen