Saturday, October 3, 2009
trying to get up!!
Its been an year since i left any serious studying or matter of fact ,any reading or writing work. And now when i am trying to live up to my own expectations for myself , its getting worse day by day. there is nothing that I am not doing to change my mindset to study , to concentrate to work harder, to get up and learn something new , but no this ' i give a damn ' or ' I am better off' attitude led to more problems than it seems. Thank god I am not the only person in this world who thinks that the ultimate pleasure lies in destroying urself , in getting wasted when the world zooms past you on the wheels of success and you remain in wherever shitty place or a pitiful condition you are in. The support i found is in the work of a russian writer. Just like me , he keeps babbling and writing stuff that doesnt change a fu*king thing on this world, doesnt inspire anyone or even make a light reading. This is what i am , a destoyed soul on the face of earth and supposedly i am the one who thinks i was a gonna be a great mind one day. How ironincal is my life gonna be!! That why i always say . My life is a perfect example of how you should not live .....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
running at a standstill
Its been a month since my last post and nothing has changed . I am still workless and lonely in a large group as always. A group consisting of frustrated young males who are away from their girlfriends and some not even interested in girls anymore. It might be another co-incidence that I am again a person with the worst reputation in my ODC which is not my problem anyway .It is the only thing I have worked for so hard and I am happy to get the stares of caution and hatred coming my way . The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I am still without a girl in a city like Mumbai. Not that there are no girls out here but seriously why do you call them girls when some of them are sight to watch just like my roommate when he got full beard and expression of monkey up in his ass. Everyother piece of shit treats other people as if they are distant cousin of prity zinta or some equivalent beauty. The only reason for me to write all this shit is this I got pretty angry with my roommate when he pointed some laughs over me . trying to impress some assholes type girls he might have said something about me that inpired some smirks over their faces . And this is where I got pissed off and with my reputation of delivering the best angry actions , he might as well say goodbye to his vaio. I might not do it eventually but what's tha harm even if I do it coz he will never notice it .
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Well, People consider my posts as confused thoughts of an immature person. But then no body thinks of himself as immaure or an idiot. I dont care what they say or think because according to me, my journey on this path of life has just started. It might take some time for me to appreciate the things I have left behind or rather the things I dont care about at his point of my life. I might sound insane but there is nothing right now that I am crazy about. I just want to cut away from this life , I might choose to die, than living such a hollow life. What will I do with such a mediocre life when there is nothing that can bind me to my family or to my home, or to my city or to this world. I will never get what I want at that time. I have to wait for it so long that the entire point of desire dies away. They say , that by this way I can learn more and value the things but that's all bullshit. When I want , I should get it,Then I can enjoy it the way I want , but If I have to wait and work to get it I might get recluse on the way and never ask for that thing again. In other words , I will never get the things when I want.all this might sound carzy and contradiction to itself , but living is an expensive , boring , mediocre and long hobby that people indulge in . They earn like kings , spend alike but in the end they die and nothing with them .So whats this competition all about , all these flashy things to boast about ?? when I cant have them , I dont care .
Sunday, April 19, 2009
alive!! yet
Yet again a feeble attempt to forget the mistakes of my life by punishing myself . Devoid of food on
saturday morning it was again a nightmarish weekend ahead of me that can make me forget that I have
anybody who cares for me , but then there are not many people or rather a handful of people who would
care for me when I am not around with them. Why the fuck , I still remember those times or rather the
female , the only female I like so much ,I would say. Again I sneaked up the virtual world where there are
not the time boundaries that separates me from my birthplace . It was only to look up to her smile that can
melt my heart like molten chocolate with pain tingling in my heart for not being with her. I go crazy after
looking up to her photogaraph .I carried her pics in my cell phone to remind myself of the impulsive
mistakes I have made in my journey so far ., of the immaturity of innocent times when i should have been
more smart . So back to my friend's place where I intend to drink and eat (still without the food) I tried to
play the bigger man by catching a running bus . For second time of my life I fell off the bus only to get
bruises on my fingers and foot . Well, no worries , the men suffers . Its natural course in the men's life .So afte getting to his place to watch a cricket match to soothe my nerves it was time to celebrate with some whiskey . No after two and a half months I drank nicely and got riding on the royal stage for the three hours when me and the other fellow drinkers were dancing their way out to glory . The memorable rain dance with water coming out of the 2 litre pepsi bottles after we drank the drink off. One of the nights that should not have been ended but since its the common enemy of the world ,time (it flies off when you are happy and drags itself when you are sad) that we compett against we accept our defeat . It is the monday morning again and woth the new sun rising I dont see any new future rising for me. Its the same dull morning and same job (time pass as of now) that I have to look forward to untill I do my MBA or join up the army . Lets hope my negative impulse to harm myself doesnt work this time and I may succeed in joining up with some good institute for my own good. Now that I know I cant get the girl I want to be with , I might accept my pathetic nature of living and do some thing just for myself.
there is a strong urge for suicide , Maybe I am getting addicted to thos thought of dying as its the most easiest way ro get out of the trouble of this life. I f just my father was rich enough to live lavishly fter his retirement , i would have been dead long back . I havnt forgiven anyone , not even myself . But the urge of dying is so strong now that i just cant resist tripping on the track of life and landing on death's lap . I dont want to live wothout her , certainly not. I might as well die right now .
saturday morning it was again a nightmarish weekend ahead of me that can make me forget that I have
anybody who cares for me , but then there are not many people or rather a handful of people who would
care for me when I am not around with them. Why the fuck , I still remember those times or rather the
female , the only female I like so much ,I would say. Again I sneaked up the virtual world where there are
not the time boundaries that separates me from my birthplace . It was only to look up to her smile that can
melt my heart like molten chocolate with pain tingling in my heart for not being with her. I go crazy after
looking up to her photogaraph .I carried her pics in my cell phone to remind myself of the impulsive
mistakes I have made in my journey so far ., of the immaturity of innocent times when i should have been
more smart . So back to my friend's place where I intend to drink and eat (still without the food) I tried to
play the bigger man by catching a running bus . For second time of my life I fell off the bus only to get
bruises on my fingers and foot . Well, no worries , the men suffers . Its natural course in the men's life .So afte getting to his place to watch a cricket match to soothe my nerves it was time to celebrate with some whiskey . No after two and a half months I drank nicely and got riding on the royal stage for the three hours when me and the other fellow drinkers were dancing their way out to glory . The memorable rain dance with water coming out of the 2 litre pepsi bottles after we drank the drink off. One of the nights that should not have been ended but since its the common enemy of the world ,time (it flies off when you are happy and drags itself when you are sad) that we compett against we accept our defeat . It is the monday morning again and woth the new sun rising I dont see any new future rising for me. Its the same dull morning and same job (time pass as of now) that I have to look forward to untill I do my MBA or join up the army . Lets hope my negative impulse to harm myself doesnt work this time and I may succeed in joining up with some good institute for my own good. Now that I know I cant get the girl I want to be with , I might accept my pathetic nature of living and do some thing just for myself.
there is a strong urge for suicide , Maybe I am getting addicted to thos thought of dying as its the most easiest way ro get out of the trouble of this life. I f just my father was rich enough to live lavishly fter his retirement , i would have been dead long back . I havnt forgiven anyone , not even myself . But the urge of dying is so strong now that i just cant resist tripping on the track of life and landing on death's lap . I dont want to live wothout her , certainly not. I might as well die right now .
Saturday, April 11, 2009
lone april
Its been 3 days since I rested or ate properly . and I know many such days will be working and many nights lying alone in my room thinking
what I have missed coz of something I call as GMS . But lets face the fact that I reminded myself last night . If I cant be the person
that I want to be , what is the point of living this worthless life . Its been my greatest regret not to be someone else .
What people say jokingly is taken in a serious way by me and before they know it , I call off the friendship which was there or I hurt them back
such that they will never say anything . Its nothing to be proud of and certainly not the thing to be ashamed of . Last night it was
more then ever when I almost decided on the date to die gracefully not by the hands of fate but by my own hands . The more people
know about it, it will be more sure for its happening in next few years. There is nothing to look for or feel exciting for
, its been like a know it all thing for me except the most obvious 3 letter thing , but then if it was also done what will be left
to see or feel or enjoy .
what I have missed coz of something I call as GMS . But lets face the fact that I reminded myself last night . If I cant be the person
that I want to be , what is the point of living this worthless life . Its been my greatest regret not to be someone else .
What people say jokingly is taken in a serious way by me and before they know it , I call off the friendship which was there or I hurt them back
such that they will never say anything . Its nothing to be proud of and certainly not the thing to be ashamed of . Last night it was
more then ever when I almost decided on the date to die gracefully not by the hands of fate but by my own hands . The more people
know about it, it will be more sure for its happening in next few years. There is nothing to look for or feel exciting for
, its been like a know it all thing for me except the most obvious 3 letter thing , but then if it was also done what will be left
to see or feel or enjoy .
Thursday, March 12, 2009
don't know
Seriously, i need some advice from someone who has felt the same. bloody , I run in the race to finish in the last. not that others are good but me,myself is a lazy person who just don't wanna win. crazy it may sound . and no complaints there, it is crazy . I am living in mumbai for exactly 3 months and 3 days . Outta which i don't wanna remember a single event. Not that its ghostly , but because of the ending i gave to the happening. well ,I believe that everything around me happens because I am resonsible for it. How people treats you depends on how you treat urself. If you ignore urself for their so-called grater good , they will also ignore you . I just wanna run in a race that nevers ends so tht I dont have to worry about results and all. Thats the difference between dreamers and achievers . Dreamers close their eyes and dream and achievers open thier eyes, burn their sleep to achieve their dreams . See how intelligent I am but still I will fail . even aftre knowing the path to success i will not choose it , coz it seems mechanical and a fake way to achieve . Please help me out. I dont want no advice. I want a person who can turn me into a successful person from 'potential' successful person .
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