Thursday, April 23, 2009
Well, People consider my posts as confused thoughts of an immature person. But then no body thinks of himself as immaure or an idiot. I dont care what they say or think because according to me, my journey on this path of life has just started. It might take some time for me to appreciate the things I have left behind or rather the things I dont care about at his point of my life. I might sound insane but there is nothing right now that I am crazy about. I just want to cut away from this life , I might choose to die, than living such a hollow life. What will I do with such a mediocre life when there is nothing that can bind me to my family or to my home, or to my city or to this world. I will never get what I want at that time. I have to wait for it so long that the entire point of desire dies away. They say , that by this way I can learn more and value the things but that's all bullshit. When I want , I should get it,Then I can enjoy it the way I want , but If I have to wait and work to get it I might get recluse on the way and never ask for that thing again. In other words , I will never get the things when I want.all this might sound carzy and contradiction to itself , but living is an expensive , boring , mediocre and long hobby that people indulge in . They earn like kings , spend alike but in the end they die and nothing with them .So whats this competition all about , all these flashy things to boast about ?? when I cant have them , I dont care .
Sunday, April 19, 2009
alive!! yet
Yet again a feeble attempt to forget the mistakes of my life by punishing myself . Devoid of food on
saturday morning it was again a nightmarish weekend ahead of me that can make me forget that I have
anybody who cares for me , but then there are not many people or rather a handful of people who would
care for me when I am not around with them. Why the fuck , I still remember those times or rather the
female , the only female I like so much ,I would say. Again I sneaked up the virtual world where there are
not the time boundaries that separates me from my birthplace . It was only to look up to her smile that can
melt my heart like molten chocolate with pain tingling in my heart for not being with her. I go crazy after
looking up to her photogaraph .I carried her pics in my cell phone to remind myself of the impulsive
mistakes I have made in my journey so far ., of the immaturity of innocent times when i should have been
more smart . So back to my friend's place where I intend to drink and eat (still without the food) I tried to
play the bigger man by catching a running bus . For second time of my life I fell off the bus only to get
bruises on my fingers and foot . Well, no worries , the men suffers . Its natural course in the men's life .So afte getting to his place to watch a cricket match to soothe my nerves it was time to celebrate with some whiskey . No after two and a half months I drank nicely and got riding on the royal stage for the three hours when me and the other fellow drinkers were dancing their way out to glory . The memorable rain dance with water coming out of the 2 litre pepsi bottles after we drank the drink off. One of the nights that should not have been ended but since its the common enemy of the world ,time (it flies off when you are happy and drags itself when you are sad) that we compett against we accept our defeat . It is the monday morning again and woth the new sun rising I dont see any new future rising for me. Its the same dull morning and same job (time pass as of now) that I have to look forward to untill I do my MBA or join up the army . Lets hope my negative impulse to harm myself doesnt work this time and I may succeed in joining up with some good institute for my own good. Now that I know I cant get the girl I want to be with , I might accept my pathetic nature of living and do some thing just for myself.
there is a strong urge for suicide , Maybe I am getting addicted to thos thought of dying as its the most easiest way ro get out of the trouble of this life. I f just my father was rich enough to live lavishly fter his retirement , i would have been dead long back . I havnt forgiven anyone , not even myself . But the urge of dying is so strong now that i just cant resist tripping on the track of life and landing on death's lap . I dont want to live wothout her , certainly not. I might as well die right now .
saturday morning it was again a nightmarish weekend ahead of me that can make me forget that I have
anybody who cares for me , but then there are not many people or rather a handful of people who would
care for me when I am not around with them. Why the fuck , I still remember those times or rather the
female , the only female I like so much ,I would say. Again I sneaked up the virtual world where there are
not the time boundaries that separates me from my birthplace . It was only to look up to her smile that can
melt my heart like molten chocolate with pain tingling in my heart for not being with her. I go crazy after
looking up to her photogaraph .I carried her pics in my cell phone to remind myself of the impulsive
mistakes I have made in my journey so far ., of the immaturity of innocent times when i should have been
more smart . So back to my friend's place where I intend to drink and eat (still without the food) I tried to
play the bigger man by catching a running bus . For second time of my life I fell off the bus only to get
bruises on my fingers and foot . Well, no worries , the men suffers . Its natural course in the men's life .So afte getting to his place to watch a cricket match to soothe my nerves it was time to celebrate with some whiskey . No after two and a half months I drank nicely and got riding on the royal stage for the three hours when me and the other fellow drinkers were dancing their way out to glory . The memorable rain dance with water coming out of the 2 litre pepsi bottles after we drank the drink off. One of the nights that should not have been ended but since its the common enemy of the world ,time (it flies off when you are happy and drags itself when you are sad) that we compett against we accept our defeat . It is the monday morning again and woth the new sun rising I dont see any new future rising for me. Its the same dull morning and same job (time pass as of now) that I have to look forward to untill I do my MBA or join up the army . Lets hope my negative impulse to harm myself doesnt work this time and I may succeed in joining up with some good institute for my own good. Now that I know I cant get the girl I want to be with , I might accept my pathetic nature of living and do some thing just for myself.
there is a strong urge for suicide , Maybe I am getting addicted to thos thought of dying as its the most easiest way ro get out of the trouble of this life. I f just my father was rich enough to live lavishly fter his retirement , i would have been dead long back . I havnt forgiven anyone , not even myself . But the urge of dying is so strong now that i just cant resist tripping on the track of life and landing on death's lap . I dont want to live wothout her , certainly not. I might as well die right now .
Saturday, April 11, 2009
lone april
Its been 3 days since I rested or ate properly . and I know many such days will be working and many nights lying alone in my room thinking
what I have missed coz of something I call as GMS . But lets face the fact that I reminded myself last night . If I cant be the person
that I want to be , what is the point of living this worthless life . Its been my greatest regret not to be someone else .
What people say jokingly is taken in a serious way by me and before they know it , I call off the friendship which was there or I hurt them back
such that they will never say anything . Its nothing to be proud of and certainly not the thing to be ashamed of . Last night it was
more then ever when I almost decided on the date to die gracefully not by the hands of fate but by my own hands . The more people
know about it, it will be more sure for its happening in next few years. There is nothing to look for or feel exciting for
, its been like a know it all thing for me except the most obvious 3 letter thing , but then if it was also done what will be left
to see or feel or enjoy .
what I have missed coz of something I call as GMS . But lets face the fact that I reminded myself last night . If I cant be the person
that I want to be , what is the point of living this worthless life . Its been my greatest regret not to be someone else .
What people say jokingly is taken in a serious way by me and before they know it , I call off the friendship which was there or I hurt them back
such that they will never say anything . Its nothing to be proud of and certainly not the thing to be ashamed of . Last night it was
more then ever when I almost decided on the date to die gracefully not by the hands of fate but by my own hands . The more people
know about it, it will be more sure for its happening in next few years. There is nothing to look for or feel exciting for
, its been like a know it all thing for me except the most obvious 3 letter thing , but then if it was also done what will be left
to see or feel or enjoy .
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