ME

People ask me why I treat myself so badly. Why I consider myself as a loser. The reason lies in the fact that I want more than I deserve. I want to be worthy of everything. everything that I can dream of. But still I never take initiative to get it.
Once while giving my IIT Maths subjective paper, I asked myself not to do it. Don't know why I , myself militated against himself. but I did it . Yes , and I scored 0(zero) in that exam. I was happy to do it at that point, don't know why?? And today when I look back I am still happy , but disappointed with myself. thats why I am always sad. I think I ruined my career with that indecision but I

I never told this to anyone , not a single person knew about it till now.

Someone commented that I am never satisfied and can never be happy till I learn how to be happy with what I have got. well in that case . Let it be. I don't want to live if I cant go back in time to change that mistake.
I am running away from myself . I want to live in a different city altogether, in a different world .
No amount of smoking, drinking, drugs has helped me yet. so no point in depending on them to help me out. Even after taking drugs ,I am in my control, cant lose myself, cant throw the guilt out of my mind. So wont take it again.

August

Its 23 days in to the month of August which started with me full of energy and tons of enthusiasm, and now I am tired and fed up of this industry . Bored of the same people and the race to pussy approach among the call center employees. I was taught to respect everyone and not see the opposite gender as a thing for entertainment . But the people here are making me feel idiot when it comes to one night stands or flings. I don't know who is right or who is wrong but one thing that I know is, its whole of class(world) against me. Why do they have problem when I talk to girls but don't take initiative to take them out for the sex thing. May be , I am not that type or may be I don't have enough confidence or resources to take them on a date, but still , they make me feel as if I am wasting the girls by keeping them away from other guys. Their talk comprises of google earth maps and boasting of the houses and parking lots where they lost their virginity. and I am stunned , honestly, to hear those self-appreciating so called affairs.
Recently , since the talk about the late night party has come up, everybody's planning to hook up a girl or two or how to get the girls get drunk and they all are doing this behind my back because they know those girls are my friends and in my presence , they wont be able to do that. So they all are avoiding me for their filthy talk and again I feel like a lonely person . I say I am a man but still fear to choose a stand on this situation.
I knew I wont be able to survive in this BPO industry but still I am here because of some stupid mistakes I made when I decided to choose referring to my own nutty brains. It's not my choice , its my destiny.

Some lines on which I describe myself:-
I am just a Kid and life is a Nightmare............????????
It may all be real or may be I just think too much.......????????
I want to be a bad man , to do everything but still there is someone in me who stops me from doing some things.......????????

Feeling fine, Sublime !!!!

What more could I have asked for ? Everything is under control here in convergys . Just the kind of people I would make friends with. Exactly the kind of work environment I always desired. And to top of it, I found myself in center of attention for making goof-ups even on the first day. Though I didn't mind it , I am just concerned about the girl whose name I forgot during the introduction session. I called her with some other girl's name (both being my friends here) and it was awkward to say the least. Sorry lady , it was my mistake , I admit . Honestly, how could I make such a silly childish mix up when I boast of a sharp memory . But everything was forgotten and was taken in good spirit. Thank god, the girl is an understanding person , someone else would have slapped me. I haven't presented the exact scenario , but people who really know me can understand what kind of embarrassing situations I sometimes find my self in. Today was just of those days when my every move was monitored and commented upon by someone or the other . And I really ENJOYED it. The company is good ,very good in fact and I am really interested to work seriously here .

All the mood changed when I met a guy who is a amateur palmist, a good one though. I met him when I went to a consultancy near district center . So for the sake of killing time , I started talking to another friend(from last BPO i worked in) who coincidently walked-in to that firm on the same day . We talked loud and harsh , made fun, passed comments to anyone in earshot , just the kind of behavior you would expect from people who were black listed in a BPO for not talking in assessments and for verbal fights (nasty ones) outside . So at the end of day when we did everything to get everyone's attention (successfully) , we sat to take some rest. Just few people were left waiting for results when we charged ourselves up with some naps (HCL habitual) . One of them was Gaurav, an impressive talker to say the least. Some casual talk about this and that , and then don't know how the subject was palmistry. He read the lines for my hand, then forehead and said something about my personality which was quite close to the truth. I said: ' how to make my energies positive when I am feeling low these days over lost chances ' ?? And he gave me an idea and truly, ' a good idea can change your life'. Now that it has, I believe in GOD. Thats what he asked me to do, and since then I haven't felt an ounce of so called negative energy. Touch wood !

I just hope that in this favorable environment , I don't turn complacent . Otherwise it would be bad, very bad.