trying to get up!!

Its been an year since i left any serious studying or matter of fact ,any reading or writing work. And now when i am trying to live up to my own expectations for myself , its getting worse day by day. there is nothing that I am not doing to change my mindset to study , to concentrate to work harder, to get up and learn something new , but no this ' i give a damn ' or ' I am better off' attitude led to more problems than it seems. Thank god I am not the only person in this world who thinks that the ultimate pleasure lies in destroying urself , in getting wasted when the world zooms past you on the wheels of success and you remain in wherever shitty place or a pitiful condition you are in. The support i found is in the work of a russian writer. Just like me , he keeps babbling and writing stuff that doesnt change a fu*king thing on this world, doesnt inspire anyone or even make a light reading. This is what i am , a destoyed soul on the face of earth and supposedly i am the one who thinks i was a gonna be a great mind one day. How ironincal is my life gonna be!! That why i always say . My life is a perfect example of how you should not live .....